SO BIG. Yet so very little.

IMG_4162Β (This is a picture of Ben just after he helped his dad put skis on a wagon we salvaged)

It’s weird how you can look at your child and feel like they are SO grown up. So tall, so talkative, so smart, such a BIG kid. Then the next moment, after he has gone to bed, I look at a picture taken that same day (the above picture is the exact picture that made me think of all of this-so little!) and I just see this small little boy, so tiny, still really just a baby. So much life left ahead of him.Yet when I am with him and not looking at pictures, it seems reality can be, well…deceiving to my mothering eye (?).Β I wonder how I can see the same kiddo in two different ways, is the picture of him how he really is (so small) or is the kiddo standing next to me-more than half as tall as I am, who is asking me amazing questions (such a big kid!)- the “real” kid. This parenting thing can really play tricks on your mind (and your heart).

It is so true, that quote The Days Go Slowly but the Years Pass Fast…I was sent an email about a meeting next month for KINDERGARTEN. I knew it was coming, its been heavily weighing on my mind. Weighing because I just can’t imagine having him gone, for-gulp-all day. Kindergarten is 7 hours of school PER DAY. 5 Days a week. If I add it up-that’s like a full work week for a kid. We don’t need him to be gone that long, we don’t need daycare. I am having very mixed emotions about it. If you want to know the truth the worst of my worries are: I will miss him and my heart will break (true story), That he will be SO tired at the end of the whole day away that all we will have energy and time for is dinner and bath then bed-5 days a week, and last but definetly most heavy on my mind is- are you ready? Those other little kids and their *hitty behavior. Yes you read that right. My assumption is the behavior stems mostly from their Β parents who don’t have time to spend with them or care to teach them wrong from right behavior or bother to help correct them. I know this is not the majority of the kids, but those are the ones that are most concerning to me-I know that Ben is ready for Kindergarten, that he will flourish and learn and be a joy to teach. It’s those other kids I worry will give him bad ideas, bad manners, and take attention with their bad behavior away from the time that my child could be learning something valuable….Currently he is in a small preschool -there are only 8 other children besides him and I have already been first hand witness to at least two of the 8 needing shall we say, extra attention due to (what I chalk it up to) poor parenting at home and they too are heading to kindergarten next year.

This path we walk with our kids is actually quite short. I don’t want a map per say, I want to explore. I want him to explore. I want both he and I to keep our eyes open for the beauty in each day that is new, to learn from others and from being-gulp-apart…but what I don’t want is to have him gone all day, all week-just to be counted as number by a system that is very broken from what I can tell. I am a product of public school (and I turned out pretty okay πŸ™‚ ) and he will be attending one of the top schools in our district, but it seems like times have changed SO much since I was a kid. For one, we only had half day Kindergarten-that’s more my speed for next year…but there is only one option in the public schools and that is full day. Time will tell what we will do, I think we will end up trying it out and sending him to full day Kindergarten this coming fall but other options have crossed my mind…If we do end up going on a family adventure in 2016 we will end up homeschooling him in some nature so sometimes I think why not start next year…but then I remember we will have a brand new little one, a business to run, a life to live… This is just the first of huge letting go moments. man this is hard. But for now, I will try and keep my focus on this little man who is really just a little boy and love each and everyday I get to snuggle him close and watch him grow.

xx

Stephanie

SO BIG. Yet so very little.